Why do we live. What’s the purpose of everything? Is there a message to be heard, a Maker that overlooks everything? Maybe a Maker that is continuously creating every act?
I use to be sure there was. Now I’m not too sure. Now I’m facing many other questions and doubts. I’ve faced questions and disbelief before in my life, but this is the second time I’ve ever fallen this low. The first time I still had some respect, but this time around the failure seems worse.
I need to see why I bother with everything that is presented to me in this religion. I questioned them many times over my life and for many of them, I came to strong logical and meaningful conclusions I could confirm. Why does God exist, where do I see that God exists, how is everything being created?
The idea that causation doesn’t exist in this world is logical to me. I do believe that there must be a Cause, a Doer. I do believe that what we witness in this world is observation. We don’t see water and soil giving life to a plant, we simply observe qualities emerging. Who created those qualities? Who brought them to existence? Who else but God?
This line of reasoning isn’t what I fundamentally have doubts with. My reasoning is pain and suffering. My reasoning is based on the lack of compassion and mercy that is apparently infinite but feels nonexistent.
Apparently this God’s mercy and compassion that is mentioned in the Qur’an and by the Prophet is something alien to me. I don’t see it and don’t witness it in my current life. Maybe I’m being hardheaded, maybe I’m just throwing a tantrum because my expectations and deepest desires were not being met.
The whole scenario is just so odd and ironic. If I were to explain it to you, it would not make sense.
But the fundamental issue is I feel a complete lack of understanding on what my “Creator”, my “Merciful Maker”, is doing with me. What is His purpose in my life?
Why should I listen to Him when I only feel despair and sadness and pain? Is there a point to keep trying on this path? I can’t discount the existence of a Maker. I can’t imagine that things happen out of nothing by themselves. I can’t say that water and soil have the creative capabilities of making a plant. I can’t say that I or everyone around me owns their own bodies. I can’t even say that I control or have control over the things around me, or things within me such as my intellect, or even the fingers I typing these words with.
I can’t forget all these things. Yet I am so lost and even if I believe this Creator exists, I feel so alienated from Him. I feel an insurmountable distance to be had. The distance is puzzling. The answers given are subtle and mazelike. Why does the message of a Prophet have to be akin to navigating a labyrinth? Why am I SAD? Why does he create PAIN? Why am I living in a HELL on earth? Does the Qur’an, the message, answer these questions?
Fundamentally, I am not questioning the veracity of the Qur’an and the Prophet, and the necessary existence of a Sustainer. I have strong logical and intellectual proof of a God, even if my emotions and disappointment in Him is great. Even for the Prophet and the Quran I know there are strong proofs. I know that there are a large number of people that have found truth in them and in many ways been a beautiful mirror of names because of it.
Maybe I don’t disbelieve all of this. But at the end of the day, it comes to down to the connection I am able to hold. Maybe it is undoubtedly the correct path, but I can’t seem to live it. I can’t seem to follow it. The pain and suffering I don’t understand.
The purpose of it all I don’t understand. I feel extremely abandoned in many ways. To give credit, I also don’t feel abandoned in other ways. I realize the large number of bounties I have as well.
I don’t know. Maybe I need to keep taking the fundamental steps and see what lies ahead. But that’s what I’ve been doing for such a long time now. Just taking the fundamental steps. I want the status quo to change. I want a difference. The way I’m approaching that now is to take steps away from an idea of a Creator, of the message He has/is sending down.
Perhaps this reaction is wrong from me. Perhaps my reaction needs to be something else. If I believe in a Sustainer, then maybe I should not walk away from this Sustainer. But I’m tired. It’s difficult to see MY Sustainer. More so in some things, less so in others.
Perhaps I need to change the status quo in another way. Instead of giving up on following what the religion tells me, I should focus on the specific pain points and not give it all up.
I’m sure there are areas which resonate but at this point I am so detached from it all. So detached.
I know not what the future holds, but the current circumstance is deeply saddening. My whole life feels like a wild hurricane collision with a lightly built wooden structure. Everything wobbling, everything falling away. And all I can say is I’m getting tired of it. Maybe I need to walk away from everything, see what the value of religion is again.
Maybe I need to suffer the pain and desparation of walking away from meaning given by a Message, a Creator, to understand its value to me. I don’t doubt the value, but I just don’t see how I can drink from it. I feel alien to it…What’s the point of existing without there being a deeper meaning, purpose? None.
So what other choice do I have? Not sure. I guess I can’t turn away completely. I guess I can’t give up on religion. Unless intellectually I become convinced otherwise, which I am not. I am emotionally hurt and I feel angry and rebellious but I can’t intellectually ignore and cover the truth of a Sustainer, and Maintainer and Creator.
I need time to think, I need time to evaluate. And maybe this is just my constant state. Of turmoil and desperation, depression, and confusion.
I have no answers. I will ponder for a bit. See where it goes. Somehow I need to take some physical steps and find an area I can live both physically, emotionally, intellectually in harmony. Right now the disfunction is ruining me. I need a straight path. A harmonious, cohesive, cosmos-like path. That’s my fundamental issue I believe.
May my Maker. Whoever He is. Wherever He is. However He is. May He open a path in which I can find harmony in all the facets of my life. Even if it starts from a small area. It can be very small steps. But I need these steps to be founded in a cohesive vertical line. Or else I am done. Or else I am ruined.
I say Amin to this dua. I have no other choice but to keep trying. There is no other path… So I must keep trying… but slowly, and with minute steps. That’s all I have the energy for.
